Thursday, January 13, 2011

Five Reasons Why Jared Loughner Wouldn't Have Shot Anyone If He Were a Dog

See? Dogs Love Politicians.

He Wouldn't Have Been Such a Dumb Stoner

Recently, Jared Lee Loughner's ex-girlfriend stated he used marijuana and mushrooms. Most people usually only experience the satisfaction of preparing a banquet from microwaving a bag of popcorn or discover “time is really just bullshit, maaaaan” while blazed or tripping balls. However, going on a shooting spree probably seems like a better idea while hallucinating than sober.

Wanna get wasted as a dog? Too bad, because the only way you're getting your buzz on is licking a reptile. Apparently some Australian dogs get addicted to the rush bufo toxin gives them, which is secreted by the cane toad.

He Would Have Had a Much Better Educational Experience

51 pages. That's a respectable number of pages for a novella, a one act play, an instruction manual. When your school's racked up 51 pages in your disciplinary file for causing disturbances re-writing basic math principles during class, yelling lyrics to metal songs in the library, and throwing a bitch-fit for getting a “B” in Pilates class. Eventually getting suspended and withdrawing from Pima community college probably didn't do wonders for Loughner's mindset.

Triple Crown Dog Academy would've been a much better choice. Aside from being the largest dog training facility in the world, they've even got an obedience program about managing destructive impulses. Don't think that was on the course selection at his old school.

He Wouldn't Have Liked Such Terrible Music

Some of Lee's favorite bands: As I Lay Dying, It Dies Today, Bullet For My Valentine. All these bands share one thing in common in that they make me feel like someone is shitting in my ear. Not saying that there's any correlation whatsoever between what Loughner listened to and his actions, just that they're all universally awful.

Meanwhile dogs can't even understand music! Lacking sensitive hearing to detect changes in pitch, The Black Dahlia murder sounds like noise both to animals and most people. Ask me, and canines are all the better for it.

He Wouldn't Have Been So Confused About Language

Attending a question and answer session Gifford hosted, Loughner had only one inquiry: “What is government if words have no meaning?” The senator declined to respond, probably because saying “is there an answer if the question has no meaning” would be impolite. It's a great example though of the shooter's obsession with words and their function.

Mutts have the advantage on Loughner here. German scientists shown that dogs can understand human language to a relatively high degree. Not only that, but they don't mind being told what to do! Sounds like Lee could've used some more work on understanding commands.

He Wouldn't Have Been Able To Buy A Gun

Type of gun used by Loughner in the Tucson massacre: Glock. What people are buying immediately after the shooting: More fucking Glocks. Apparently people really do want to see a product in action before purchasing, since there's been a massive spike in gun sales lately.

Dogs barely ever shoot anyone, and even when they do it's kind of cute. Hell, they even aim for funny parts of your body, like this pet in New Zealand who shot his owner in the butt. If there's anyway to make someone getting shot adorable, it's like that.

Image from here.

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